kittin 3

dave: oh, i've gone and angered jeremy-jeremy hopalong. if only mother were here!
[there is thunder in the sky and a voice from the heavens booms]
heavenly voice: go and apologise, and stop being so pathetic
dave: i'm not pathetic!
heavenly voice: yes you are, you're a complete pushover. and you wet your pants at night
dave: meeeeeaaaaaah
amos: pull yourself together dave, we're talking to god here
heavenly voice: i'm not god, i'm your mother
amos: but my mother doesn't sound like a man
heavenly voice: not *your* mother, his mother! [falsetto] anyway, i don't sound like a man
dave: you're not my mother
heavenly voice: alright! i'm just a heavenly voice in the sky! just trying to be helpful, you know...
dm: *meow*
jj: [from upstairs] somebody shut that bloody cat up
dave: listen jeremy, i'm sorry
[no answer]
dave: i should've asked you first
[no answer]
dave: i hope you'll still be able to be friends with dr moose
[no answer]
dave: if you come down here and talk to him i'll let you podge my belly
[jj appears from the door]
jj: alright. but remember who's the *original* kittin around here
dave: oh, jeremy!
amos: [holds back the tears, bless his little heart]
jj: [podges dave's belly] podge! podge podge podge! oh, i haven't had this much fun in years
dm: *meow*
jj: [smiles affectionately] you can podge his belly too, little fella. here [podges dave with dr moose's paw]
dm: *meow* [grins happily]
amos: looks like you've done alright there dave
jj: PODGE!
dave: ow! my hernia!

ennnd

kittin 2

amos: here, kitty kitty kitty
dave: careful now amos
jj: who does this guy think he is?
dave: be nice, jeremy-jeremy! amos is my only friend
jj: and i'm your only kitten in a tin, big deal
dave: erm...
amos: you mean you haven't told him?
dave: ...about that...
jj: i don't like where this is going, dave
announcer: [fanfare] INTRODUCING: KITTEN IN A TIN! kitten in a tin, kitten in a tin, dave has gone and bought another kitten in a tin. with BIG EYES
dave: where did he spring from?
jj: what an oaf
[enter dr moose]
dm: *meow*
jj: you didn't!
dave: believe me jeremy, i had no choice
announcer: once again we'd like to congratulate the esteemed DAVE (that's right, you, sir) for winning a KIT-TIN - a KITTEN IN A TIN!
amos: you should probably leave, he's having a hard enough time already
announcer: but i like it here
amos: out! [slams door]
announcer: [faintly] i love youuu
[awkward silence]
dave: you know, they really shouldn't joke about things like that
jj: yeah, it's not funny and it makes me uncomfortable...
dave: i heard it offends the gay community
[another awkward silence]
[change of subject]
jj: another kittin?! seriously dave, i mean, didn't the last two months mean anything to you
dave: listen jeremy, it's not that i don't care about you, it's just that... well... i thought you might want a friend to call your own. a little amos of your spieces. to put it plainly, another kitten in a tin
jj: [sulkily] well you know what? [pause] he ain't no friend of mine [storms out]
dm: *meow*

end

kittin 1

announcer: kit-tinz, buy one today, it's a kitten in a tin, does exactly what it says on the tin, you sir, thank you sir, are you feeeeeeling lucky sir? look out! you've just won a kitten in a tin! kitten in a tin! it's a kitten in a tin! tastes great with tomato sauce...
dave: but i already have a kitten in a tin
announcer: you do?
dave: yes. his name is jeremy-jeremy hopalong, and i bought him for thruppence when such currency was still around
announcer: i believe that was sometime in the late 1700s
dave: so be it
announcer: well... your kitten in a tin could sure use a friend, another kitten in the tin, why not take this white kitten right here with BIG EYES
dave: but
announcer: now then mister, don't go all shy on me
dave: i
announcer: you'll never get anywhere with one-word sentences
dave: help me, mother
[there is thunder in the sky and a voice from the heavens rings out]
heavenly voice: i have my hand stuck in a fridge
[pause]
announcer: why not try kitten in a tin? perfect for all your hand-stuck-in-a-fridge needs...
dave: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL TAKE IT [looks away dramatically]
announcer: no need to shout, you'll terrify the poor kitten-in-a-tin
dave: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING "KITTEN-IN-A-TIN!"
announcer: oh
dave: that's better
announcer: well, i never knew it was like *that* [walks away in a huff]
kitten in a tin: *meow*
dave: aw, what a cute little kittin we have here. i shall call you dr moose, for you remind me somewhat of our old vet, why, he had whiskers just like you, the moon would glimmer off them on many a clear night... [drifts off into rambling story]
dr moose: *meow*

END