Saturday, 5 December 2009
A Statement Of The Obvious
In case you didn't Notice, Season 2 was nice and short, and is also finished. So now we have 2 seasons of Kittinz. Will there be a third? God only knows.
Friday, 24 April 2009
kittin 2 / 5
narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers decided to bake the many magpies of the court in a gigantic pie, thus solving the problem of the incessant cawing, and providing a hearty dinner for several nights hence
dave: hang on a minute! we're not going to *eat* them. it's cruelty to animals and besides, PETA will come and set us on fire as we sleep
amos: good point, oh benevolent one, and soundly made
jj: if dr moose and i were to partake in the eating of the pie, surely they could have no problem with that? it's the course of nature, after all
dave: alas, i fear you are wrong. it is natural for cats to kill magpies, to be sure, but how often do you see a kitten in a tin eating a freshly-baked magpie pie?
jj: [persistently] but don't you see that it is the will of the gods? why else would they be called "magpies" if they weren't meant to be baked in a delicious pastry casing?
dave: jeremy, i forbid it. we will bake them in a pie, but that pie will never be eaten, not by you or i. we must set it afloat upon the sea, and hope that it never returns to trouble our shores
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers set to work making the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, and it was to be the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. and when the pastry was ready, the magpies of the court were gathered up and ushered into the pie, and as king dave was about to seal the pastry with a weighty lid, a cry arose from the magpies
magpies: *caw, caw*
dave: amos, oh trusty friend and sidekick, you and you alone know the ancient tongue of the magpie. tell me, what is it they are saying?
amos: majesty, loosely translated it means, "please don't cook us in a pie"
dave: why, the poor little things! tell them not to fear, i'll do no such thing
jj: but dave, we have spent days crafting the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, which is the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. we can't let it go to waste!
dave: jeremy, i know that you're nothing more than a magpie-hater. well hear this: as long as i am king, no magpie shall ever be harmed in my kingdom, by hook nor crook nor rook!
jj: [visibly saddened] very well, but perhaps there is no room for a kitten in a tin in a court that is swarming with magpies
dave: these magpies cannot stay. tell them, amos, tell them that they must leave immediately, and never return, unless they call a good three days in advance so that we can prepare the guest bedroom and get in some extra food
amos: *caw, caw*
magpies: *caw, caw*
narrator: and with that the magpies left the court of king dave in a mighty swarm, and dave was known afterwards as a friend of the magpies, and peace was restored to his court
amos: *caw, caw*
jj: [pushes him into the pie]
(end)
dave: hang on a minute! we're not going to *eat* them. it's cruelty to animals and besides, PETA will come and set us on fire as we sleep
amos: good point, oh benevolent one, and soundly made
jj: if dr moose and i were to partake in the eating of the pie, surely they could have no problem with that? it's the course of nature, after all
dave: alas, i fear you are wrong. it is natural for cats to kill magpies, to be sure, but how often do you see a kitten in a tin eating a freshly-baked magpie pie?
jj: [persistently] but don't you see that it is the will of the gods? why else would they be called "magpies" if they weren't meant to be baked in a delicious pastry casing?
dave: jeremy, i forbid it. we will bake them in a pie, but that pie will never be eaten, not by you or i. we must set it afloat upon the sea, and hope that it never returns to trouble our shores
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers set to work making the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, and it was to be the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. and when the pastry was ready, the magpies of the court were gathered up and ushered into the pie, and as king dave was about to seal the pastry with a weighty lid, a cry arose from the magpies
magpies: *caw, caw*
dave: amos, oh trusty friend and sidekick, you and you alone know the ancient tongue of the magpie. tell me, what is it they are saying?
amos: majesty, loosely translated it means, "please don't cook us in a pie"
dave: why, the poor little things! tell them not to fear, i'll do no such thing
jj: but dave, we have spent days crafting the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, which is the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. we can't let it go to waste!
dave: jeremy, i know that you're nothing more than a magpie-hater. well hear this: as long as i am king, no magpie shall ever be harmed in my kingdom, by hook nor crook nor rook!
jj: [visibly saddened] very well, but perhaps there is no room for a kitten in a tin in a court that is swarming with magpies
dave: these magpies cannot stay. tell them, amos, tell them that they must leave immediately, and never return, unless they call a good three days in advance so that we can prepare the guest bedroom and get in some extra food
amos: *caw, caw*
magpies: *caw, caw*
narrator: and with that the magpies left the court of king dave in a mighty swarm, and dave was known afterwards as a friend of the magpies, and peace was restored to his court
amos: *caw, caw*
jj: [pushes him into the pie]
(end)
Sunday, 5 April 2009
kittin 2 / 4
narrator: so begins the telling of the GREAT and DRAMATIC MAGPIE TALE
magpie 3: *caw, caw*
narrator: which will not be interuppted by an insolent cast
magpie 4: *caw, caw*
narrator: nor any beasts of the sky, the land or the sea
magpie 5: *caw, caw*
narrator: nor any flipping magpies
magpie 6: [does a flip]
[in the background other magpies are seen performing various flipping activities, such as flipping pancakes, "flipping the bird" (which is extremely appropriate), and generally being flippant]
narrator: as you can see, magpies are extremely irritating creatures, and so when dave discovered that his court was full of them...
[flashback to dave opening curtains and seeing a court full of magpies]
...he decided that something had to be done
dave: something MUST be done!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: doc and i have come up with an unbeatable plan
dave: tell me all
jj: you must bake them
amos: bake them?
jj: bake them. bake them in a pie
amos: in a pie?
narrator: you heard the man
dave: [puts on his pondersome face]
amos: [hushed voice] the wise king dave is pondering your plan
jj: [irritated whisper] i know a pondersome face when i see when, fool
dave: [slowly exits his state of ponderousness] i have considered your plan...
all: [excitedly] ...and?
dave: it shall be done!
[royal fanfare]
narrator: next time: THE BAKING OF THE PIE - a white-knuckle ride of an episode wherein the process of pie-making is debated heavily, and there is rather a lot of cawing in the background
(end)
magpie 3: *caw, caw*
narrator: which will not be interuppted by an insolent cast
magpie 4: *caw, caw*
narrator: nor any beasts of the sky, the land or the sea
magpie 5: *caw, caw*
narrator: nor any flipping magpies
magpie 6: [does a flip]
[in the background other magpies are seen performing various flipping activities, such as flipping pancakes, "flipping the bird" (which is extremely appropriate), and generally being flippant]
narrator: as you can see, magpies are extremely irritating creatures, and so when dave discovered that his court was full of them...
[flashback to dave opening curtains and seeing a court full of magpies]
...he decided that something had to be done
dave: something MUST be done!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: doc and i have come up with an unbeatable plan
dave: tell me all
jj: you must bake them
amos: bake them?
jj: bake them. bake them in a pie
amos: in a pie?
narrator: you heard the man
dave: [puts on his pondersome face]
amos: [hushed voice] the wise king dave is pondering your plan
jj: [irritated whisper] i know a pondersome face when i see when, fool
dave: [slowly exits his state of ponderousness] i have considered your plan...
all: [excitedly] ...and?
dave: it shall be done!
[royal fanfare]
narrator: next time: THE BAKING OF THE PIE - a white-knuckle ride of an episode wherein the process of pie-making is debated heavily, and there is rather a lot of cawing in the background
(end)
Saturday, 4 April 2009
kittin 2 / 3
narrator: king dave ruled his kingdom with a fist of steel
amos: and it was very shiny, being the stainless kind of steel that is brewed in Sweden
jj: and so it was that many magpies came to roost in the court of the king
magpie 1: *caw, caw*
dr moose: *meow*
dave: and so it was that wise king dave became very irritated because of the incessant cawing
magpie 2: *caw, caw*
dr moose: *meow*
jj: and dr moose was not very happy either
amos: nor was jeremy-jeremy
dave: nor amos
all: [collective sigh]
[pause for thought]
narrator: at this point the narrator recovered the story
jj: but not for long...
amos: ...because who could have known that talking about oneself in third person could be so much fun?
dave: not wise king dave, for one
dr moose: *meow*
jj: nor dr moose
amos: nor jeremy-jeremy
dave: nor wise king...
narrator: [interrupting rather vivaciously] AHA! already said that, haven't you?
dave: damn
narrator: that's why i'm narrator, and you're king
dave: and a wise king, too
amos: aye, king dave was a wise king, a good king, a clever king
jj: and he knew how to have a laugh
dave: [to demonstrate] ho-ho-ho
jj: [aside] actually dave, that was rather stilted
dave: oh. er... well, i'll practice
narrator: ...and so it was that a clumsy and ignorant cast ruined the telling of the GREAT and DRAMATIC MAGPIE TALE, which had to be postponed for... ANOTHER EPISODE
(end)
amos: and it was very shiny, being the stainless kind of steel that is brewed in Sweden
jj: and so it was that many magpies came to roost in the court of the king
magpie 1: *caw, caw*
dr moose: *meow*
dave: and so it was that wise king dave became very irritated because of the incessant cawing
magpie 2: *caw, caw*
dr moose: *meow*
jj: and dr moose was not very happy either
amos: nor was jeremy-jeremy
dave: nor amos
all: [collective sigh]
[pause for thought]
narrator: at this point the narrator recovered the story
jj: but not for long...
amos: ...because who could have known that talking about oneself in third person could be so much fun?
dave: not wise king dave, for one
dr moose: *meow*
jj: nor dr moose
amos: nor jeremy-jeremy
dave: nor wise king...
narrator: [interrupting rather vivaciously] AHA! already said that, haven't you?
dave: damn
narrator: that's why i'm narrator, and you're king
dave: and a wise king, too
amos: aye, king dave was a wise king, a good king, a clever king
jj: and he knew how to have a laugh
dave: [to demonstrate] ho-ho-ho
jj: [aside] actually dave, that was rather stilted
dave: oh. er... well, i'll practice
narrator: ...and so it was that a clumsy and ignorant cast ruined the telling of the GREAT and DRAMATIC MAGPIE TALE, which had to be postponed for... ANOTHER EPISODE
(end)
Friday, 3 April 2009
kittin 2 / 2
narrator: king dave was a good king, a wise king, a nice king
dave: i was?
narrator: yes, and you had a very fine crown
dave: and i was handsome, wasn't i?
narrator: handsome, yes...
dave: and brave?
narrator: "brave king dave," they called you
dave: i suspected as much. punish them! immediately
amos: but why, oh benevolent one?
dave: a rhyming king? i'll be no such thing!
[sound of kittinz giggling]
dave: why, you mischievous wretches. i suppose you think rhyming is funny? don't you know it can be very dangerous?
jj: [panting with laughter] dave... it's not a CRIME to RHYME [collapses in hysterics]
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: but at this very moment, the sky went dark
dave: look what you've done! the gods are angry
amos: [cowers in fear]
jj: just as well i've still got my tin
[the kittinz hide in their tins]
dave: amos! fetch me a tin that i too may hide
amos: but...
dave: disobedience?
amos: you'll be a king in a tin!
[sound of jj laughing, muffled by tin]
dave: that doesn't rhyme
narrator: it almost does
amos: look, there's a full moon in the sky!
narrator: ...and so it transpired that the gods were not angry at all, but that it was simply night time. all that fuss for nothing
(end)
dave: i was?
narrator: yes, and you had a very fine crown
dave: and i was handsome, wasn't i?
narrator: handsome, yes...
dave: and brave?
narrator: "brave king dave," they called you
dave: i suspected as much. punish them! immediately
amos: but why, oh benevolent one?
dave: a rhyming king? i'll be no such thing!
[sound of kittinz giggling]
dave: why, you mischievous wretches. i suppose you think rhyming is funny? don't you know it can be very dangerous?
jj: [panting with laughter] dave... it's not a CRIME to RHYME [collapses in hysterics]
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: but at this very moment, the sky went dark
dave: look what you've done! the gods are angry
amos: [cowers in fear]
jj: just as well i've still got my tin
[the kittinz hide in their tins]
dave: amos! fetch me a tin that i too may hide
amos: but...
dave: disobedience?
amos: you'll be a king in a tin!
[sound of jj laughing, muffled by tin]
dave: that doesn't rhyme
narrator: it almost does
amos: look, there's a full moon in the sky!
narrator: ...and so it transpired that the gods were not angry at all, but that it was simply night time. all that fuss for nothing
(end)
Thursday, 2 April 2009
kittin 2 / 1
narrator: in an unexpected turn of events, dave has become king
dave: get in that tumble-dryer, fluffy!
amos: yes sir [bows low]
dave: [to audience] it is necessary to make sure that no-one inteferes with my clothing
audience: [silently agrees, as you are now also doing]
dave: ...even when it is being TUMBLED DRY!
amos: indeed, your majesty. [gets in the tumble-dryer] it's very hot...
narrator: but at that moment, amos's sad little narrative was interupted by that of the kittinz, who were having great fun on the palace roof
jj: i bet you can't spit on... that one
dr moose: *meow* [does it]
jj: [applauds]
dr moose: *bows low*
dave: [from throne room far below] you bow to no-one except me! do you hear that, "doc"? NO-ONE!
dr moose: [mews timidly]
narrator: now dave was a good king, a kind king, a nice king. but sometimes, power would get the better of him, and he would do silly things such as rapping...
dave: [to the bathroom mirror] my name's dave, i get to shave, razor blades in my face and all over the place
narrator: ...and when the kittinz heard him they would tremble in fear
[cut to shot of kittinz trembling]
jj: that's some good trembling action there, doc
dr moose: *meow*
jj: yeah, i love what you're doing with your knees
narrator: overall, however, dave's reign was one of peace and harmony, and his subjects revered him
amos: [muffled voice, from tumble-dryer] can i come out now?
(end)
dave: get in that tumble-dryer, fluffy!
amos: yes sir [bows low]
dave: [to audience] it is necessary to make sure that no-one inteferes with my clothing
audience: [silently agrees, as you are now also doing]
dave: ...even when it is being TUMBLED DRY!
amos: indeed, your majesty. [gets in the tumble-dryer] it's very hot...
narrator: but at that moment, amos's sad little narrative was interupted by that of the kittinz, who were having great fun on the palace roof
jj: i bet you can't spit on... that one
dr moose: *meow* [does it]
jj: [applauds]
dr moose: *bows low*
dave: [from throne room far below] you bow to no-one except me! do you hear that, "doc"? NO-ONE!
dr moose: [mews timidly]
narrator: now dave was a good king, a kind king, a nice king. but sometimes, power would get the better of him, and he would do silly things such as rapping...
dave: [to the bathroom mirror] my name's dave, i get to shave, razor blades in my face and all over the place
narrator: ...and when the kittinz heard him they would tremble in fear
[cut to shot of kittinz trembling]
jj: that's some good trembling action there, doc
dr moose: *meow*
jj: yeah, i love what you're doing with your knees
narrator: overall, however, dave's reign was one of peace and harmony, and his subjects revered him
amos: [muffled voice, from tumble-dryer] can i come out now?
(end)
Another Notice, In Succession To The Other Notice
A year has passed, great changes are afoot, and I have begun writing another series about kittinz, because they brought me so much joy. Spread the word! Ring them bells! Commence with merrymaking, &c.
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