Friday, 24 April 2009

kittin 2 / 5

narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers decided to bake the many magpies of the court in a gigantic pie, thus solving the problem of the incessant cawing, and providing a hearty dinner for several nights hence
dave: hang on a minute! we're not going to *eat* them. it's cruelty to animals and besides, PETA will come and set us on fire as we sleep
amos: good point, oh benevolent one, and soundly made
jj: if dr moose and i were to partake in the eating of the pie, surely they could have no problem with that? it's the course of nature, after all
dave: alas, i fear you are wrong. it is natural for cats to kill magpies, to be sure, but how often do you see a kitten in a tin eating a freshly-baked magpie pie?
jj: [persistently] but don't you see that it is the will of the gods? why else would they be called "magpies" if they weren't meant to be baked in a delicious pastry casing?
dave: jeremy, i forbid it. we will bake them in a pie, but that pie will never be eaten, not by you or i. we must set it afloat upon the sea, and hope that it never returns to trouble our shores
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers set to work making the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, and it was to be the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. and when the pastry was ready, the magpies of the court were gathered up and ushered into the pie, and as king dave was about to seal the pastry with a weighty lid, a cry arose from the magpies
magpies: *caw, caw*
dave: amos, oh trusty friend and sidekick, you and you alone know the ancient tongue of the magpie. tell me, what is it they are saying?
amos: majesty, loosely translated it means, "please don't cook us in a pie"
dave: why, the poor little things! tell them not to fear, i'll do no such thing
jj: but dave, we have spent days crafting the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, which is the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. we can't let it go to waste!
dave: jeremy, i know that you're nothing more than a magpie-hater. well hear this: as long as i am king, no magpie shall ever be harmed in my kingdom, by hook nor crook nor rook!
jj: [visibly saddened] very well, but perhaps there is no room for a kitten in a tin in a court that is swarming with magpies
dave: these magpies cannot stay. tell them, amos, tell them that they must leave immediately, and never return, unless they call a good three days in advance so that we can prepare the guest bedroom and get in some extra food
amos: *caw, caw*
magpies: *caw, caw*
narrator: and with that the magpies left the court of king dave in a mighty swarm, and dave was known afterwards as a friend of the magpies, and peace was restored to his court
amos: *caw, caw*
jj: [pushes him into the pie]


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