narrator: where have you kittinz been recently, eh? you'll get me in trouble
dave: they've been hibernating, bless them
narrator: really?
dave: yes, bless them
narrator: bless them. right...
dave: they sleep for a week in spring, when the weather's awful
narrator: sensible
dave: some would say
amos: [appears inappropriately] hi! what are you talking about?!
dave: ssh! you'll wake the kittinz
jj: [yawns]
dr moose: *meow*
amos: i want to play with the kittinz. [yells] bouncey bounce bounce! here kitty!
dave: get down! [rugby tackles amos]
jj: [stirs in his sleep, mimes bouncing around]
dave: [panting] [under his breath] they can be... very dangerous... if roused from sleep too early
dr moose: [glows menacingly]
narrator: never wake a sleeping kittin, eh? that's what my old gran used to tell me
dave: and what a wise woman she was, too
amos: very wise
narrator: what are you saying about my gran?
amos: [stammering] nothing, nothing... she was... just... very wise
narrator: that's what i thought
dave: i think we had better go, jeremy-jeremy will want a strong coffee when he awakes, and i think dr moose will have a piece of pie
narrator: and so our heroes left the other heroes, who were asleep, and went to go about everyday domestic tasks in a most thrilling manner. thanks for listening
ennd
Friday 28 March 2008
Sunday 23 March 2008
kittin 13
narrator: today is a good day in the world of kittinz
dave: [to camera] dr moose was very excited by the spinny man in the last episode, and we're going out on the streets to see if we can find some more
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: jeremy-jeremy hopalong, on the other hand, was not impressed
jj: *looks unimpressed*
amos: chin up, james
jj: i'm not sad, so to speak, just not particularly impressed. you know... i'm kind of impartial, to tell the truth
narrator: and so our friends went on their way
amos: we're off to see the spinner, the wonderful spinner of oz
dave: very nice, amos
dr moose: *meow*
[they suddenly encounter a LARGE MAN]
dave: look! a very large man!
narrator: woah! where did he come from
LARGE MAN: i think that's a very personal question and i am offended by your rudeness
dave: [to camera] i've heard about these types before. they're rare, and hard to find, and often touchy
jj: can we just leave the large man be? i've had a strange enough day as it is
LARGE MAN: i hope you learn some manners next time
narrator: and off they trotted. apart from the kittinz, who sort of bounced along
amos: bouncey bounce
jj: [to camera] he loves it
camera: stop talking to me, you weirdos
[they walk around for a bit]
dr moose: *meow*
amos: not many spinny types around here...
jj: let's go home
narrator: so, they didn't find any spinny people today. but they did encounter a LARGE MAN, and also jj found a penny on the floor but i didn't tell you about that bit. all in all, a good day for kittinz
dave: hooray!
dr moose: [to camera] *meow*
end
dave: [to camera] dr moose was very excited by the spinny man in the last episode, and we're going out on the streets to see if we can find some more
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: jeremy-jeremy hopalong, on the other hand, was not impressed
jj: *looks unimpressed*
amos: chin up, james
jj: i'm not sad, so to speak, just not particularly impressed. you know... i'm kind of impartial, to tell the truth
narrator: and so our friends went on their way
amos: we're off to see the spinner, the wonderful spinner of oz
dave: very nice, amos
dr moose: *meow*
[they suddenly encounter a LARGE MAN]
dave: look! a very large man!
narrator: woah! where did he come from
LARGE MAN: i think that's a very personal question and i am offended by your rudeness
dave: [to camera] i've heard about these types before. they're rare, and hard to find, and often touchy
jj: can we just leave the large man be? i've had a strange enough day as it is
LARGE MAN: i hope you learn some manners next time
narrator: and off they trotted. apart from the kittinz, who sort of bounced along
amos: bouncey bounce
jj: [to camera] he loves it
camera: stop talking to me, you weirdos
[they walk around for a bit]
dr moose: *meow*
amos: not many spinny types around here...
jj: let's go home
narrator: so, they didn't find any spinny people today. but they did encounter a LARGE MAN, and also jj found a penny on the floor but i didn't tell you about that bit. all in all, a good day for kittinz
dave: hooray!
dr moose: [to camera] *meow*
end
Thursday 20 March 2008
kittin 12
...continued
narrator: now we shall reveal that which was witheld in the previous episode, if you can remember that far back, you bunch of slackers
jj: oh my!
dave: i... i...
amos: it's...
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: our heroes were staring in awe at a little spinning man, who spun around a lot until he was quite dizzy
dave: what business have you here, little spinny man?
spinny man: nothing much, nothing much
dave: you seem to have just repeated yourself
spinny man: yes, yes. a bit of repeating, yes, and a bit of spinning. nothing much
amos: oh, little man! how sweet he is. can we keep him, dave?
dave: no, i'm afraid that's strictly illegal
spinny man: i must leave now, and spin elsewhere
dave: very well. begone! but we shall not forget this encounter
spinny man: and neither shall i, nay, never
dave: so be it
narrator: and so it be. and our heroes continued in their quest for a foxglove for dave's broken gnome
hendrix: foxy! lookout! i'm comin' ta get ya...
all: [groove]
dave: look! a patch of foxgloves, just as we were instructed
narrator: that one on the left looks nice
jj: so it does
dr moose: *meow*
amos: try it on! put it on the gnome!
narrator: and dave put the glove on the gnome, and it was a perfect fit
dave: it was meant to be! he is the chosen one! and he is no longer a gome
jj: doc, we are heroes
amos: you didn't really help at all, jj. you just talked a lot and told me to go away
jj: amos?
amos: yes?
jj: go away
end
narrator: now we shall reveal that which was witheld in the previous episode, if you can remember that far back, you bunch of slackers
jj: oh my!
dave: i... i...
amos: it's...
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: our heroes were staring in awe at a little spinning man, who spun around a lot until he was quite dizzy
dave: what business have you here, little spinny man?
spinny man: nothing much, nothing much
dave: you seem to have just repeated yourself
spinny man: yes, yes. a bit of repeating, yes, and a bit of spinning. nothing much
amos: oh, little man! how sweet he is. can we keep him, dave?
dave: no, i'm afraid that's strictly illegal
spinny man: i must leave now, and spin elsewhere
dave: very well. begone! but we shall not forget this encounter
spinny man: and neither shall i, nay, never
dave: so be it
narrator: and so it be. and our heroes continued in their quest for a foxglove for dave's broken gnome
hendrix: foxy! lookout! i'm comin' ta get ya...
all: [groove]
dave: look! a patch of foxgloves, just as we were instructed
narrator: that one on the left looks nice
jj: so it does
dr moose: *meow*
amos: try it on! put it on the gnome!
narrator: and dave put the glove on the gnome, and it was a perfect fit
dave: it was meant to be! he is the chosen one! and he is no longer a gome
jj: doc, we are heroes
amos: you didn't really help at all, jj. you just talked a lot and told me to go away
jj: amos?
amos: yes?
jj: go away
end
Wednesday 19 March 2008
kittin 11
dave: i'm having a little trouble with my gnome
jj: what appears to be the problem? maybe i can help
dave: it keeps on wanting to be a gome
jj: ah. one of those
amos: i used to fix gnomes when i were a lad. give it here
dave: no!
amos: gimme! [grabs gnome] [shakes gnome] nope, it's broken beyond repair
dave: is that so?
amos: for certain
dave: well maybe jeremy-jeremy here can fix it
jj: with a little help from the doc, i most certainly will
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so our friends went on a great adventure, to Fix The Gnome
[pause in narrative]
[narrative resumes]
jj: what do you know about gnome-fixing, dr moose?
dr moose: *meow*
jj: [examines gnome] why, how right you are. he appears to be missing a foxglove for his left hand
dr moose: *meow*
jj: and where would one find such a thing?
narrator: i saw a nice patch of foxgloves out in the woods by the old woman's cottage
jj: really? that's a good spot for a picnic
narrator: or a pleasant game of boules
amos: or a giant crab
jj: go away, amos
narrator: and so our friends went to the woods by the old woman's cottage, where it's a nice place for a picnic or a pleasant game of boules
amos: or a giant crab
jj: go away, amos
dave: doesn't it feel like we've been here before?
narrator: BUT in the midst of their joy they encountered something highly unusual, which, in the interests of suspense, will not be revealed unto ye until...
NEXT TIME!
...to be continued...
jj: what appears to be the problem? maybe i can help
dave: it keeps on wanting to be a gome
jj: ah. one of those
amos: i used to fix gnomes when i were a lad. give it here
dave: no!
amos: gimme! [grabs gnome] [shakes gnome] nope, it's broken beyond repair
dave: is that so?
amos: for certain
dave: well maybe jeremy-jeremy here can fix it
jj: with a little help from the doc, i most certainly will
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so our friends went on a great adventure, to Fix The Gnome
[pause in narrative]
[narrative resumes]
jj: what do you know about gnome-fixing, dr moose?
dr moose: *meow*
jj: [examines gnome] why, how right you are. he appears to be missing a foxglove for his left hand
dr moose: *meow*
jj: and where would one find such a thing?
narrator: i saw a nice patch of foxgloves out in the woods by the old woman's cottage
jj: really? that's a good spot for a picnic
narrator: or a pleasant game of boules
amos: or a giant crab
jj: go away, amos
narrator: and so our friends went to the woods by the old woman's cottage, where it's a nice place for a picnic or a pleasant game of boules
amos: or a giant crab
jj: go away, amos
dave: doesn't it feel like we've been here before?
narrator: BUT in the midst of their joy they encountered something highly unusual, which, in the interests of suspense, will not be revealed unto ye until...
NEXT TIME!
...to be continued...
Sunday 16 March 2008
kittin 10
amos: bouncey-bounce, bounce along, there's a good kitten
jj: [gives him a confused look]
dr moose: *meow*
[they hop around for a bit]
jj: you know, this rather reminds me of lord of the rings
narrator: just then, dave came in the door
dave: uh... i'll just... come in through the door then, shall i? [enters through door]
amos: what a nice door
jj: i never noticed the tones on it before, it really compliments the room
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: our heroes spent the next few lines talking about the door
jj: what a bunch of wasters
narrator: that's what i thought! so i removed the lines, and i'm replacing them instead with a little song i wrote:
if you walk west for three miles
there is a supermarket where you can
only buy your grandmother a small spatula,
life is cruel
dave: that sounds like something my mother used to sing to me before i went to bed
heavenly voice: [from an old episode] i am your mother!
dave: [shouts] we've been through this!
[uncomfortable silence as achieved by unfunny use of shouting]
jj: i sort of preferred it when we were talking about the door
narrator: you can have your cake, and eat it too, because today, we're having...
announcer: a DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR SPECIAL!
all: [sing:] door spe-cial, door spe-cial, i want to be in the door spe-cial, let's get hinge-ing with it
[pause in which the music fades]
amos: it's so beautiful i could cry
[pause, featuring much sniffling and banging of paws on tin]
dr moose: *meow* [bangs his paws on his tin]
announcer: AND TODAY ON THE "DOOR SPECIAL," WE ARE LOOKING AT DIFFERENT TYPES OF DOOR. TELL ME, FOR SURE, WHICH DOORS ARE YOURS
dave: that one, that one and that one. hey, nice rhyme
announcer: thank you, that will do nicely
dave: that's it?
announcer: um... yep. BYE
end
jj: [gives him a confused look]
dr moose: *meow*
[they hop around for a bit]
jj: you know, this rather reminds me of lord of the rings
narrator: just then, dave came in the door
dave: uh... i'll just... come in through the door then, shall i? [enters through door]
amos: what a nice door
jj: i never noticed the tones on it before, it really compliments the room
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: our heroes spent the next few lines talking about the door
jj: what a bunch of wasters
narrator: that's what i thought! so i removed the lines, and i'm replacing them instead with a little song i wrote:
if you walk west for three miles
there is a supermarket where you can
only buy your grandmother a small spatula,
life is cruel
dave: that sounds like something my mother used to sing to me before i went to bed
heavenly voice: [from an old episode] i am your mother!
dave: [shouts] we've been through this!
[uncomfortable silence as achieved by unfunny use of shouting]
jj: i sort of preferred it when we were talking about the door
narrator: you can have your cake, and eat it too, because today, we're having...
announcer: a DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR SPECIAL!
all: [sing:] door spe-cial, door spe-cial, i want to be in the door spe-cial, let's get hinge-ing with it
[pause in which the music fades]
amos: it's so beautiful i could cry
[pause, featuring much sniffling and banging of paws on tin]
dr moose: *meow* [bangs his paws on his tin]
announcer: AND TODAY ON THE "DOOR SPECIAL," WE ARE LOOKING AT DIFFERENT TYPES OF DOOR. TELL ME, FOR SURE, WHICH DOORS ARE YOURS
dave: that one, that one and that one. hey, nice rhyme
announcer: thank you, that will do nicely
dave: that's it?
announcer: um... yep. BYE
end
Friday 14 March 2008
kittin 9
...continued
wind: [more swooshing]
jj: looks like a sticky situation, doc
dr moose: *meow*
jj: it could only be worse if we were stapled to a cow
dr moose: *meow*
jj: or maybe in RUSSIA
dr moose: [looks unimpressed]
jj: i'm sorry, i get kinda panicky. truth is, i'm not too good with heights
heavenly voice: be not afraid!
jj: woah there, i didn't say "afraid," i said "panicky"
heavenly voice: would you like me to offer you some advice?
jj: go for it
heavenly voice: i like to stroke my legs when i am nervous
narrator: meanwhile, far below
dave: look amos, dr moose and jj are stuck on a kiteboard in the sky
amos: i was here when it happened, dave
dave: i know, i was just trying to put in a recap for new readers
narrator: but... but that's my job
dave: it's a boring job, i don't want it
narrator: [quietly, to self] but it's all i have!
dave: how are we going to rescue those mischievous kittinz, amos?
amos: i think there's only one man for the job
amos + dave: Kite-Surfer Dude Gnarly Rescue Man!
amos: yeah!
KSDGRM: KITESURFERDUDEGNARLYRESCUEMAN... TO THE RESCUE!
dave: [aside] not another crazy shouting person...
KSDGRM: WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
amos: our kittin friends are trapped in the sky
dr moose: [from way above] *meow*
KSDGRM: hmm... just let me put on my MAGIC PANTS
[he puts on his magic pants]
KSDGRM: alright!
[the kite floats gently down to earth]
dave: wow! you saved them
jj: actually, i just sort of landed the kite
dave: Kite-Surfer Dude Gnarly Rescue Man, you're my hero
jj: uh... dave...
KSDGRM: i do what i can [runs off to avert another crisis]
dave: [sighs] if only i had magic pants
jj: dave, i landed the kite myself
dave: is that so?
dr moose: *meow*
jj: with a little help from the doc here and there
dave: really
jj: it's true
dave: so this whole adventure was a complete anticlimax
jj: looks that way, yeah
dave: i suppose we'd better stop talking before it gets any worse
amos: KITE SURF! WOOOOH!
[story ends on abrubt, awkward note]
nd
wind: [more swooshing]
jj: looks like a sticky situation, doc
dr moose: *meow*
jj: it could only be worse if we were stapled to a cow
dr moose: *meow*
jj: or maybe in RUSSIA
dr moose: [looks unimpressed]
jj: i'm sorry, i get kinda panicky. truth is, i'm not too good with heights
heavenly voice: be not afraid!
jj: woah there, i didn't say "afraid," i said "panicky"
heavenly voice: would you like me to offer you some advice?
jj: go for it
heavenly voice: i like to stroke my legs when i am nervous
narrator: meanwhile, far below
dave: look amos, dr moose and jj are stuck on a kiteboard in the sky
amos: i was here when it happened, dave
dave: i know, i was just trying to put in a recap for new readers
narrator: but... but that's my job
dave: it's a boring job, i don't want it
narrator: [quietly, to self] but it's all i have!
dave: how are we going to rescue those mischievous kittinz, amos?
amos: i think there's only one man for the job
amos + dave: Kite-Surfer Dude Gnarly Rescue Man!
amos: yeah!
KSDGRM: KITESURFERDUDEGNARLYRESCUEMAN... TO THE RESCUE!
dave: [aside] not another crazy shouting person...
KSDGRM: WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
amos: our kittin friends are trapped in the sky
dr moose: [from way above] *meow*
KSDGRM: hmm... just let me put on my MAGIC PANTS
[he puts on his magic pants]
KSDGRM: alright!
[the kite floats gently down to earth]
dave: wow! you saved them
jj: actually, i just sort of landed the kite
dave: Kite-Surfer Dude Gnarly Rescue Man, you're my hero
jj: uh... dave...
KSDGRM: i do what i can [runs off to avert another crisis]
dave: [sighs] if only i had magic pants
jj: dave, i landed the kite myself
dave: is that so?
dr moose: *meow*
jj: with a little help from the doc here and there
dave: really
jj: it's true
dave: so this whole adventure was a complete anticlimax
jj: looks that way, yeah
dave: i suppose we'd better stop talking before it gets any worse
amos: KITE SURF! WOOOOH!
[story ends on abrubt, awkward note]
nd
Thursday 13 March 2008
kittin 8
amos: [clutches hat] by prince harry's tiny beard, it's windy up here
narrator: you mind your language, my boy, or i'll fill your shoes with pennies
amos: you would never do such a thing!
dave: [hissed whisper] it is not customary to argue with the narrator
amos: well i don't think he's a very nice man
jj: hey fellas, me and the doc were thinking about doing some kite surfing. are you kids down with this kite-surfing jazz?
amos: i had a kite once
jj: that's profound, amos [aside, to dave] can we leave him behind?
narrator: that sounds like a very good plan indeed! and so, our friends (but not amos) went to a high place with a kite and a surfboard, to see what they could see
amos: wow! what a view
dave: [loudly, anxious] IT IS NOT CUSTOMARY to defy the narrator!
amos: he defied me first!
heavenly voice: here ye, here ye
all: [hear ye]
heavenly voice: i have a song for y'all
all: [listen intently]
heavenly voice: [delicately] let's go fly a kite, up to the stalagtite
amos: nonono, you've got it wrong
dave: amos, are you trying to get us all killed?
amos: whatever do you mean?
dave: you keep arguing with omniscient, omnipresent deities!
jj: [finishes tying kite to surfboard] [low voice] on you get, doc
dr moose: *meow* [begins surfin' the air-waves like a pro]
narrator: it's a KITTEN IN A TIN ON A SURFBOARD IN THE SKY, ohmagawd
dr moose: *meow*
amos: he's flying
dave: he's drifting away!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: oh, buttersticks [leaps into air and grabs hold of kite]
[a gust of wind blows them higher]
dave: jeremy-jeremy! dr moose! no!
wind: [swoosh]
TO BE continued...
narrator: you mind your language, my boy, or i'll fill your shoes with pennies
amos: you would never do such a thing!
dave: [hissed whisper] it is not customary to argue with the narrator
amos: well i don't think he's a very nice man
jj: hey fellas, me and the doc were thinking about doing some kite surfing. are you kids down with this kite-surfing jazz?
amos: i had a kite once
jj: that's profound, amos [aside, to dave] can we leave him behind?
narrator: that sounds like a very good plan indeed! and so, our friends (but not amos) went to a high place with a kite and a surfboard, to see what they could see
amos: wow! what a view
dave: [loudly, anxious] IT IS NOT CUSTOMARY to defy the narrator!
amos: he defied me first!
heavenly voice: here ye, here ye
all: [hear ye]
heavenly voice: i have a song for y'all
all: [listen intently]
heavenly voice: [delicately] let's go fly a kite, up to the stalagtite
amos: nonono, you've got it wrong
dave: amos, are you trying to get us all killed?
amos: whatever do you mean?
dave: you keep arguing with omniscient, omnipresent deities!
jj: [finishes tying kite to surfboard] [low voice] on you get, doc
dr moose: *meow* [begins surfin' the air-waves like a pro]
narrator: it's a KITTEN IN A TIN ON A SURFBOARD IN THE SKY, ohmagawd
dr moose: *meow*
amos: he's flying
dave: he's drifting away!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: oh, buttersticks [leaps into air and grabs hold of kite]
[a gust of wind blows them higher]
dave: jeremy-jeremy! dr moose! no!
wind: [swoosh]
TO BE continued...
Monday 10 March 2008
kittin 7
dave: ...i hereby name ye, dr moose "smithwigglesworth" the third
amos: [applauds]
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that dr moose got his new nickname
jj: not so fast! [builds a wall]
dave: but whatever are you doing?
jj: [from behind wall] dr moose and i are hiding out here until you change his nickname
dave: but why ever would you do such a thing?
dr moose: [from behind wall] *meow*
jj: he says that "smithwigglesworth" is a girl's name
dave: but i spent hours choosing it! hours and hours!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: he wants to be known as "the doc." or just "doc"
dave: now, don't be silly. come out from behind there, smithwigglesworth, and don't let jeremy-jeremy tell you what to do
dr moose: *meow*
dave: if you don't come out i'll have to climb over...
jj: you're looking very handsom today, dave
dave: why, thank you!
jj: a handsom boy like you should be inside doing the dishes, not out here talking to us uncool cats
dave: very good poi... hang on a second! you can't flatter me
jj: face it, dave, we're staying put
dave: very well, we shall have a standoff! [sits down]
jj: we win! hooray, doc, we've done it!
dr moose: *victory meow*
dave: [realises his error] oh, panties on a stick!
amos: how did you know he was sitting down?
jj: through clever manipulation of vision, using mirrors and string
amos: i thought as much
dave: i humbly admit defeat. "doc" it is, and let no man say otherwise
announcer: HE'S NOT THE DOC, HE'S A KITTEN IN A TIN
enD
amos: [applauds]
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that dr moose got his new nickname
jj: not so fast! [builds a wall]
dave: but whatever are you doing?
jj: [from behind wall] dr moose and i are hiding out here until you change his nickname
dave: but why ever would you do such a thing?
dr moose: [from behind wall] *meow*
jj: he says that "smithwigglesworth" is a girl's name
dave: but i spent hours choosing it! hours and hours!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: he wants to be known as "the doc." or just "doc"
dave: now, don't be silly. come out from behind there, smithwigglesworth, and don't let jeremy-jeremy tell you what to do
dr moose: *meow*
dave: if you don't come out i'll have to climb over...
jj: you're looking very handsom today, dave
dave: why, thank you!
jj: a handsom boy like you should be inside doing the dishes, not out here talking to us uncool cats
dave: very good poi... hang on a second! you can't flatter me
jj: face it, dave, we're staying put
dave: very well, we shall have a standoff! [sits down]
jj: we win! hooray, doc, we've done it!
dr moose: *victory meow*
dave: [realises his error] oh, panties on a stick!
amos: how did you know he was sitting down?
jj: through clever manipulation of vision, using mirrors and string
amos: i thought as much
dave: i humbly admit defeat. "doc" it is, and let no man say otherwise
announcer: HE'S NOT THE DOC, HE'S A KITTEN IN A TIN
enD
Friday 7 March 2008
kittin 6
...continued
[they arrive in a mountainous lair]
jj: why, this is exactly the kind of lair a crazed kittin-stealing villain would live
[pan to whole shelves full of kittens in tins]
dave: look at all those poor, imprisoned kittinz
[the kittinz gaze innocently out at the world]
jj: come on, dave! this is no time for getting all soppy
dave: but... but we should free them!
jj: there's no time! anyway, it's not like they're tied up. they're just sort of sitting there
amos: [nudging a kittin] be free, little one
[kittin bounds off]
[the others follow, and the room is full of the sound of echoing tin]
announcer: [from afar] nooo! they are releasing my prized kittin collection! noooooo!
dave: give us back dr moose!
amos: or else!
announcer: [appearing mysteriously from the shadows] but who is "dr moose?" all i have here is my little friend jacobean
jj: no, that's dr moose. look, it says so on his collar
announcer: oh yes, so it does
dave: can we have him back please?
announcer: certainly. entirely my mistake
dave: that's alright
jj: alright?! he ran off with dr moose!
dave: well, no harm done
dr moose: *meow*
dave: although, an apology would be nice
announcer: i'm sorry, dave
dave: and to dr moose
announcer: i'm sorry, dr moose
dave: you may kiss my ring
announcer: [kisses dave's ring]
amos: i never knew you had a ring!
dave: well i do. and i have just one thing left to say, and that's...
amos: adieu?
dave: no, it's...
jj: so long, and thanks for all the fish?
dave: no!, it's...
dr moose: *meow*
dave: oh shut up, furball
ennnd
[they arrive in a mountainous lair]
jj: why, this is exactly the kind of lair a crazed kittin-stealing villain would live
[pan to whole shelves full of kittens in tins]
dave: look at all those poor, imprisoned kittinz
[the kittinz gaze innocently out at the world]
jj: come on, dave! this is no time for getting all soppy
dave: but... but we should free them!
jj: there's no time! anyway, it's not like they're tied up. they're just sort of sitting there
amos: [nudging a kittin] be free, little one
[kittin bounds off]
[the others follow, and the room is full of the sound of echoing tin]
announcer: [from afar] nooo! they are releasing my prized kittin collection! noooooo!
dave: give us back dr moose!
amos: or else!
announcer: [appearing mysteriously from the shadows] but who is "dr moose?" all i have here is my little friend jacobean
jj: no, that's dr moose. look, it says so on his collar
announcer: oh yes, so it does
dave: can we have him back please?
announcer: certainly. entirely my mistake
dave: that's alright
jj: alright?! he ran off with dr moose!
dave: well, no harm done
dr moose: *meow*
dave: although, an apology would be nice
announcer: i'm sorry, dave
dave: and to dr moose
announcer: i'm sorry, dr moose
dave: you may kiss my ring
announcer: [kisses dave's ring]
amos: i never knew you had a ring!
dave: well i do. and i have just one thing left to say, and that's...
amos: adieu?
dave: no, it's...
jj: so long, and thanks for all the fish?
dave: no!, it's...
dr moose: *meow*
dave: oh shut up, furball
ennnd
Thursday 6 March 2008
kittin 5
dave: i've been thinking, we need a nickname for this little fella
amos: [to audience] he means his willy
dave: no! [embarrassed] i'm talking about dr moose here, our newest kittin
announcer: IT'S A KITTEN IN A TIN! BUY YOURS TODAY OR RISK CATCHING A HERNIA. OR CERTAIN DEATH. OR BOTH. kitten in a tin, kitten in a tin, kitty kitty kitty...
jj: [produces wallet] i'll give you twenty bucks if you leave without saying another word
announcer: [vanishes into the night]
jj: i have to admit, that was kinda sexy
announcer: you really think so?
jj: didn't you just leave?
announcer: i did, but i forgot my KITTEN IN A TIN! IT'S A KITTEN IN A TIN! KITTY-KIT-KIT!
amos: why can't you say that normally?
announcer: [shrugs] i just like shouting [picks up dr moose] well, i'll be seeing ya... [vanishes once more into the night]
dave: hey! he took dr moose!
jj: pursue! [off they run, chasing the announcer who has stolen dr moose]
...to be continued...
amos: [to audience] he means his willy
dave: no! [embarrassed] i'm talking about dr moose here, our newest kittin
announcer: IT'S A KITTEN IN A TIN! BUY YOURS TODAY OR RISK CATCHING A HERNIA. OR CERTAIN DEATH. OR BOTH. kitten in a tin, kitten in a tin, kitty kitty kitty...
jj: [produces wallet] i'll give you twenty bucks if you leave without saying another word
announcer: [vanishes into the night]
jj: i have to admit, that was kinda sexy
announcer: you really think so?
jj: didn't you just leave?
announcer: i did, but i forgot my KITTEN IN A TIN! IT'S A KITTEN IN A TIN! KITTY-KIT-KIT!
amos: why can't you say that normally?
announcer: [shrugs] i just like shouting [picks up dr moose] well, i'll be seeing ya... [vanishes once more into the night]
dave: hey! he took dr moose!
jj: pursue! [off they run, chasing the announcer who has stolen dr moose]
...to be continued...
Monday 3 March 2008
kittin 4
narrator: our heroes were in the hospital, helping dave recover from his damaged hernia
jj: i'm sorry for poking your hernia, dave
dave: it's ok
jj: it just seemed like the right thing to do
dave: i get it
jj: like that time i hit you with the rake. it just felt right
dave: I GET IT, jeremy
narrator: needless to say, tensions were running high, and if it hadn't been for little dr moose, there would probably have been several curse words in use. as it happens, the others were careful to censor their language
amos: **&£%
dave: what have you got to complain about?
amos: i just like cussing like a sailor
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: just as well dave had two kittens in a tin to cheer him up, otherwise maybe he would never have gotten better
dave: yeah i would
narrator: everyone needs a kitten in a tin, dave. even ghandi
dave: ghandi's dead
narrator: he wouldn't be if he'd carried a kitten in a tin with him, AT ALL TIMES
jj: say, he sounds suspiciously like that announcer guy
narrator: [looks flustered] why, whatever do you mean?
jj: it was mostly the speaking in capitals thing
narrator: i would never!
jj: [scrolls back up the page]
narrator: well, it must've just slIPPPED OUUTTT i mean, slipped out, ahem [fake coughs several times]
dave: oh dear, i hope he hasn't caught my hernia
narrator: i can't
dave: why's that?
narrator: because i carry with me my very own KITTEN IN A TIN! KITTEN IN A TIN! IT'S A KITTEN IN A TINNY-TIN-TIN!
jj: aaaaargh! [starts to melt under the noise]
dave: zeebbbbraaaaarrrrghhhh
amos: please stop
narrator: alright
jj: [unmelts] well, that was easy
dave: narrator, i don't see your kittin, where is he today?
narrator: ah yes, i must have left him at home
jj: but it doesn't matter, because you couldn't catch a hernia if it hit you in the face. right on!
dr moose: [hi fives jj]
[the kittinz do a peculiar victory dance which really bears no relevance to the situation, but which is also quite tricky to do in a tin, so congratulations to them]
ENd
jj: i'm sorry for poking your hernia, dave
dave: it's ok
jj: it just seemed like the right thing to do
dave: i get it
jj: like that time i hit you with the rake. it just felt right
dave: I GET IT, jeremy
narrator: needless to say, tensions were running high, and if it hadn't been for little dr moose, there would probably have been several curse words in use. as it happens, the others were careful to censor their language
amos: **&£%
dave: what have you got to complain about?
amos: i just like cussing like a sailor
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: just as well dave had two kittens in a tin to cheer him up, otherwise maybe he would never have gotten better
dave: yeah i would
narrator: everyone needs a kitten in a tin, dave. even ghandi
dave: ghandi's dead
narrator: he wouldn't be if he'd carried a kitten in a tin with him, AT ALL TIMES
jj: say, he sounds suspiciously like that announcer guy
narrator: [looks flustered] why, whatever do you mean?
jj: it was mostly the speaking in capitals thing
narrator: i would never!
jj: [scrolls back up the page]
narrator: well, it must've just slIPPPED OUUTTT i mean, slipped out, ahem [fake coughs several times]
dave: oh dear, i hope he hasn't caught my hernia
narrator: i can't
dave: why's that?
narrator: because i carry with me my very own KITTEN IN A TIN! KITTEN IN A TIN! IT'S A KITTEN IN A TINNY-TIN-TIN!
jj: aaaaargh! [starts to melt under the noise]
dave: zeebbbbraaaaarrrrghhhh
amos: please stop
narrator: alright
jj: [unmelts] well, that was easy
dave: narrator, i don't see your kittin, where is he today?
narrator: ah yes, i must have left him at home
jj: but it doesn't matter, because you couldn't catch a hernia if it hit you in the face. right on!
dr moose: [hi fives jj]
[the kittinz do a peculiar victory dance which really bears no relevance to the situation, but which is also quite tricky to do in a tin, so congratulations to them]
ENd
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