Saturday, 5 December 2009

A Statement Of The Obvious

In case you didn't Notice, Season 2 was nice and short, and is also finished. So now we have 2 seasons of Kittinz. Will there be a third? God only knows.

Friday, 24 April 2009

kittin 2 / 5

narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers decided to bake the many magpies of the court in a gigantic pie, thus solving the problem of the incessant cawing, and providing a hearty dinner for several nights hence
dave: hang on a minute! we're not going to *eat* them. it's cruelty to animals and besides, PETA will come and set us on fire as we sleep
amos: good point, oh benevolent one, and soundly made
jj: if dr moose and i were to partake in the eating of the pie, surely they could have no problem with that? it's the course of nature, after all
dave: alas, i fear you are wrong. it is natural for cats to kill magpies, to be sure, but how often do you see a kitten in a tin eating a freshly-baked magpie pie?
jj: [persistently] but don't you see that it is the will of the gods? why else would they be called "magpies" if they weren't meant to be baked in a delicious pastry casing?
dave: jeremy, i forbid it. we will bake them in a pie, but that pie will never be eaten, not by you or i. we must set it afloat upon the sea, and hope that it never returns to trouble our shores
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that king dave and his royal advisers set to work making the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, and it was to be the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. and when the pastry was ready, the magpies of the court were gathered up and ushered into the pie, and as king dave was about to seal the pastry with a weighty lid, a cry arose from the magpies
magpies: *caw, caw*
dave: amos, oh trusty friend and sidekick, you and you alone know the ancient tongue of the magpie. tell me, what is it they are saying?
amos: majesty, loosely translated it means, "please don't cook us in a pie"
dave: why, the poor little things! tell them not to fear, i'll do no such thing
jj: but dave, we have spent days crafting the most tremendous pastry casing ever seen, which is the envy of all surrounding kingdoms. we can't let it go to waste!
dave: jeremy, i know that you're nothing more than a magpie-hater. well hear this: as long as i am king, no magpie shall ever be harmed in my kingdom, by hook nor crook nor rook!
jj: [visibly saddened] very well, but perhaps there is no room for a kitten in a tin in a court that is swarming with magpies
dave: these magpies cannot stay. tell them, amos, tell them that they must leave immediately, and never return, unless they call a good three days in advance so that we can prepare the guest bedroom and get in some extra food
amos: *caw, caw*
magpies: *caw, caw*
narrator: and with that the magpies left the court of king dave in a mighty swarm, and dave was known afterwards as a friend of the magpies, and peace was restored to his court
amos: *caw, caw*
jj: [pushes him into the pie]


Sunday, 5 April 2009

kittin 2 / 4

narrator: so begins the telling of the GREAT and DRAMATIC MAGPIE TALE
magpie 3: *caw, caw*
narrator: which will not be interuppted by an insolent cast
magpie 4: *caw, caw*
narrator: nor any beasts of the sky, the land or the sea
magpie 5: *caw, caw*
narrator: nor any flipping magpies
magpie 6: [does a flip]
[in the background other magpies are seen performing various flipping activities, such as flipping pancakes, "flipping the bird" (which is extremely appropriate), and generally being flippant]
narrator: as you can see, magpies are extremely irritating creatures, and so when dave discovered that his court was full of them...
[flashback to dave opening curtains and seeing a court full of magpies]
...he decided that something had to be done
dave: something MUST be done!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: doc and i have come up with an unbeatable plan
dave: tell me all
jj: you must bake them
amos: bake them?
jj: bake them. bake them in a pie
amos: in a pie?
narrator: you heard the man
dave: [puts on his pondersome face]
amos: [hushed voice] the wise king dave is pondering your plan
jj: [irritated whisper] i know a pondersome face when i see when, fool
dave: [slowly exits his state of ponderousness] i have considered your plan...
all: [excitedly] ...and?
dave: it shall be done!
[royal fanfare]
narrator: next time: THE BAKING OF THE PIE - a white-knuckle ride of an episode wherein the process of pie-making is debated heavily, and there is rather a lot of cawing in the background


Saturday, 4 April 2009

kittin 2 / 3

narrator: king dave ruled his kingdom with a fist of steel
amos: and it was very shiny, being the stainless kind of steel that is brewed in Sweden
jj: and so it was that many magpies came to roost in the court of the king
magpie 1: *caw, caw*
dr moose: *meow*
dave: and so it was that wise king dave became very irritated because of the incessant cawing
magpie 2: *caw, caw*
dr moose: *meow*
jj: and dr moose was not very happy either
amos: nor was jeremy-jeremy
dave: nor amos
all: [collective sigh]
[pause for thought]
narrator: at this point the narrator recovered the story
jj: but not for long...
amos: ...because who could have known that talking about oneself in third person could be so much fun?
dave: not wise king dave, for one
dr moose: *meow*
jj: nor dr moose
amos: nor jeremy-jeremy
dave: nor wise king...
narrator: [interrupting rather vivaciously] AHA! already said that, haven't you?
dave: damn
narrator: that's why i'm narrator, and you're king
dave: and a wise king, too
amos: aye, king dave was a wise king, a good king, a clever king
jj: and he knew how to have a laugh
dave: [to demonstrate] ho-ho-ho
jj: [aside] actually dave, that was rather stilted
dave: oh. er... well, i'll practice
narrator: ...and so it was that a clumsy and ignorant cast ruined the telling of the GREAT and DRAMATIC MAGPIE TALE, which had to be postponed for... ANOTHER EPISODE


Friday, 3 April 2009

kittin 2 / 2

narrator: king dave was a good king, a wise king, a nice king
dave: i was?
narrator: yes, and you had a very fine crown
dave: and i was handsome, wasn't i?
narrator: handsome, yes...
dave: and brave?
narrator: "brave king dave," they called you
dave: i suspected as much. punish them! immediately
amos: but why, oh benevolent one?
dave: a rhyming king? i'll be no such thing!
[sound of kittinz giggling]
dave: why, you mischievous wretches. i suppose you think rhyming is funny? don't you know it can be very dangerous?
jj: [panting with laughter] dave... it's not a CRIME to RHYME [collapses in hysterics]
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: but at this very moment, the sky went dark
dave: look what you've done! the gods are angry
amos: [cowers in fear]
jj: just as well i've still got my tin
[the kittinz hide in their tins]
dave: amos! fetch me a tin that i too may hide
amos: but...
dave: disobedience?
amos: you'll be a king in a tin!
[sound of jj laughing, muffled by tin]
dave: that doesn't rhyme
narrator: it almost does
amos: look, there's a full moon in the sky!
narrator: ...and so it transpired that the gods were not angry at all, but that it was simply night time. all that fuss for nothing


Thursday, 2 April 2009

kittin 2 / 1

narrator: in an unexpected turn of events, dave has become king
dave: get in that tumble-dryer, fluffy!
amos: yes sir [bows low]
dave: [to audience] it is necessary to make sure that no-one inteferes with my clothing
audience: [silently agrees, as you are now also doing]
dave: ...even when it is being TUMBLED DRY!
amos: indeed, your majesty. [gets in the tumble-dryer] it's very hot...
narrator: but at that moment, amos's sad little narrative was interupted by that of the kittinz, who were having great fun on the palace roof
jj: i bet you can't spit on... that one
dr moose: *meow* [does it]
jj: [applauds]
dr moose: *bows low*
dave: [from throne room far below] you bow to no-one except me! do you hear that, "doc"? NO-ONE!
dr moose: [mews timidly]
narrator: now dave was a good king, a kind king, a nice king. but sometimes, power would get the better of him, and he would do silly things such as rapping...
dave: [to the bathroom mirror] my name's dave, i get to shave, razor blades in my face and all over the place
narrator: ...and when the kittinz heard him they would tremble in fear
[cut to shot of kittinz trembling]
jj: that's some good trembling action there, doc
dr moose: *meow*
jj: yeah, i love what you're doing with your knees
narrator: overall, however, dave's reign was one of peace and harmony, and his subjects revered him
amos: [muffled voice, from tumble-dryer] can i come out now?


Another Notice, In Succession To The Other Notice

A year has passed, great changes are afoot, and I have begun writing another series about kittinz, because they brought me so much joy. Spread the word! Ring them bells! Commence with merrymaking, &c.

Thursday, 8 May 2008

A Notice

And so the first season is complete, without too much faffing, although there was rather a long gap between the last two episodes, and for that I can only say, meh.
For kittin merchandise, etc., make your own.
Leave adoring comments here.

Thanks for reading, and viva la next series.

kittin 20

...the long awaited GRAND FINALE!

narrator: [dusts off script] erm...
dave: [helpfully] the Other Way was finally at our mercy
narrator: thank you dave. always a helpful one. i shall remember that for the next series, should ever such a thing come to pass
dave: glad to be of service [bows low]
narrator: and now, formalities aside, our heroes were ready to complete their quest and return in victory!
all: hurrah!
other way: [weakly] don't hurt me
amos: what's that you say?
other way: don't hurt me. i only want to live in peace
dave: awww
amos: isn't it sweet
jj: remember why we came here, fellas
amos: actually, it's been so long, i've bally well gone and forgotten!
jj: we're here to catch it, and to take it home
other way: nooooo!
jj: nooo?
other way: it's scottish for "no!"
jj: i suspected as much, you crafty creature
other way: don't make me leave, i love it here so very much
dave: you have to admit, he puts across a rather convincing argument
amos: he does, he does
dr moose: *meow*
[there is a silence full of anticipation and suspense]
jj: very well, we shall leave him here. but this quest shall not have been in vain...
jj: ...because...
narrator: while jeremy-jeremy struggled to finish his sentence, the others prepared to return home
announcer: hang on a second, all this hard work and you're just going to leave?
dave: that was the plan, stan
announcer: how did you know my name?
dave: i've got the knack
announcer: sounds nasty
narrator: and so it was decided that the announcer would stay with the Other Way, who had quickly become his friend. that way he would no longer be a threat to the kittin community, and it meant that our heroes could visit him for holidays and such. furthermore, the Other Way would not be such a sad and lonely beast, and he would probably be much better behaved in the future
amos: so that's it? end of story?
jj: not quite...
narrator: actually, yes it is. that's all for now. season 1, closed
dr moose: *meow*


Thursday, 17 April 2008

kittin 19

...more again again again!...

narrator: look at them! cowering behind a rock while the Other Way roars and rages about
jj: we should try again. i'm not going to have come all this way just to be mildly terrified by a sheepy creature
amos: i am! i think we should run away home and have tea and crumpets
dave: that's very typically fairytale of you, amos. we should defeat this beast, and capture him
[there is a roar from the distance]
jj: if we can trip him on a rock, we can catch him in a net
[they prepare to trip the Other Way on a rock]
announcer: [appearing from the sidelines] i'll save you!
jj: we're alright actually, we're about to trip him on a...
announcer: [loudly] YOOOU SHALLLLL NOT PASSSSS!
jj: [quietly] um...
announcer: RAAAAAAH! [fires rocket launcher in general direction of Other Way] [misses profusely]
jj: at this point i think we should resort to plan B, namely the bit where we run away and have tea and crump... [there is a massive explosion]
all: aaaaah!
dr moose: *meow*
[dust etc. envelops foreground]
[coughs and spluttering]
narrator: well, that was messy
dave: yes, it was
narrator: ...and once again, everything went tits up when the announcer got involved
announcer: [weakly] i was only trying to help
[spluttering is heard in the distance]
jj: i think he may have stunned the Other Way!
[pan to Other Way lying stunned amongst the rubble]
amos: it was quite a stunning performance
announcer: thank you
amos: no, thank you
announcer: my pleasure
narrator: and so, the Other Way was finally at their mercy. but what would happen next?

grand finale to follow!

Monday, 14 April 2008

kittin 18


jj: [cautiously] i'm just cautiously entering the lair of the Other Way
dave: i'm following closely
amos: i'm making something of a nuisance of myself
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and i'm gently spectacting in an omnipresent, omniscient sort of way
amos: lovely weather for ducks! [starts to sing] all the ducks are singing with your daughter, lalala
jj: shut it, amos! the beast is near! we must be very wary indeed
[from the distance there is a strange sound]
dave: it sounds a bit like a large sheep
narrator: and so it is! some say it resembles a ram, others a lamb, others still a ewe
amos: oh my!
jj: just as well i bought my spike [produces spike]
dave: and just what do you intend to do with that?!
jj: when we get close, i will spike the Other Way on the end, and thusly carry him home
amos: isn't that a bit dangerous?
jj: i'm willing to risk it
amos: but it will hurt!
jj: i can take the pain
amos: i mean, it will hurt the Other Way, the poor little beastie
[there is a contemplative pause]
dave: how about we just shoot it with tranquilizers?
jj: a fine plan!
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so, with tranquilizer guns drawn and set to "stun," our cautious heroes approach some more (i believe they've been approaching for several episodes now) and enter into sight of the Other Way at last
amos: sweet stephanie!
dave: it's a...
jj: ...lamb/ram/ewe/sheep thing...
all [apart from dr moose who goes *meow*]: the Other Way!
other way: [roars like a sheep]
jj: fire!
[they shoot their tranquilizer guns]
other way: [roars louder and more sheepishly than before]
jj: they're not working! he will not be overcome!
all: retreat!
narrator: and so they beat a hasty retreat around the corner, so that they don't have to gaze at the monster for another minute.
and that was all for today be continued in usual style...

Thursday, 10 April 2008

kittin 17

amos: we're off to see the kittin, the wonderful kittin of Oz...
narrator: our heroes continued on their quest to find an Other Way
announcer: i heard tell of an Other Way that lived in these here parts
dave: is that so?
announcer: a monster of a thing, it was. big, google eyes
dave: google eyes?! good grief
dr moose: *meow*
jj: we're doomed
amos: yahoo!
[everyone glares at amos]
amos: but i thought it was funny
narrator: and without further ado, our heroes continued some more
announcer: look! there it is!
[they turn]
[announcer runs off the other way]
dave: why, the sneaky devil is trying to steal our Other Way. i do believe he had no intention whatsoever of sharing it with us!
jj: the scoundrel!
amos: curse his little beard!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: pursue!
narrator: and so, they set off in hot pursuit until they finally caught the announcer by the tail
jj: gotcha!
dave: so we have!
announcer: so you have
amos: yes, we have
dave: indeed
announcer: yes
narrator: they had definitely...
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: ...sorry... they had definitely caught the announcer
jj: so tell us, you scoundrel, you sneaky devillish rascal with a little beard, where is this Other Way of yours?
announcer: [defeatedly] alright, alright, i'm sorry for my flight. it's just around the corner there in the deep underground lair
narrator: impressed by his rhymes, our heroes decided to follow his instructions and enter the lair...


Friday, 4 April 2008

kittin 16


announcer: [hums to self] kitten in a tin, it's a kitty-kitty-kit...
[there is a woosh]
amos: oh my!
dave: i think that was our Other Way
jj: i think you'll find it's *my* Other Way
announcer: and mine!
jj: well how do you propose we split it?
announcer: why don't you have it one week, i'll have it the next
dr moose: *meow*
jj: sorry, that's not going to happen
announcer: let's cross that bridge when we come to it
narrator: just then our heroes came to a bridge
jj: how appropriate
amos: and look, there is our Other Way, lurking there in the shadows on the far side
dave: that's not an Other Way, it's a tiger!
amos: a tiger! oh yes, so it is
announcer: [hums] a tiger in a tin, a tiger in a tin, tiggy-tig-tiger...
narrator: ssh! you'll wake it
jj: i believe it's already awake
tiger: *roar*
dr moose: *meow*
dave: this is going to take all of our wit and cunning
announcer: [throws the tiger some bread]
[they sneak past]
amos: well, that was surprisingly easy
narrator: what a disappointment
dave: but we still haven't found the Other Way
narrator: and so, having not achieved very much at all, our heroes to decided to...
[dramatic music] KEEP LOOKING!


Tuesday, 1 April 2008

kittin 15

amos: you're a dog! you're a tiger! stretttttch it!
jj: [leaps about]
dave: what's going on here?
amos: i'm just helping jeremy-jeremy here with his training
jj: i'm thinking about joining the army or something, you know... see the world, get some life experience, live a little
dave: there's an important catch there, jj... you know they won't allow you in if you're in a tin?
jj: get out!
dave: it's true!
narrator: it is
jj: well then, damnit, i shall have to find some Other Way
amos: other way to what?
jj: just generally, some Other Way
narrator: [helpfully] he's put capitals on the "O" and the "W"
amos: oh
jj: yes, and "W"
narrator: and so jeremy-jeremy hopalong and co went on a quest to find the Other Way
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: but not before collecting their good friend and accomplice, and kitten-in-a-tin, the wonderful dr moose
announcer: [sneakily sneaks around in the background]
dave: look at that sneaky fella, sneaking around so sneakily. i wonder what his sneak is?
announcer: [calls from the distance] i, er... i've lost my Other Way! have you seen it anywhere?
amos: [giggling] i think it went that way...
announcer: [looks]
amos:, the OTHER way! [giggles some more, like a little girl on a tricycle going down a hill]
narrator: after another compeltely unfunny outburst from amos, our heroes decided to team up with the sneaky announcer fella and look for...
[dramatic music]

...more to come

Friday, 28 March 2008

kittin 14

narrator: where have you kittinz been recently, eh? you'll get me in trouble
dave: they've been hibernating, bless them
narrator: really?
dave: yes, bless them
narrator: bless them. right...
dave: they sleep for a week in spring, when the weather's awful
narrator: sensible
dave: some would say
amos: [appears inappropriately] hi! what are you talking about?!
dave: ssh! you'll wake the kittinz
jj: [yawns]
dr moose: *meow*
amos: i want to play with the kittinz. [yells] bouncey bounce bounce! here kitty!
dave: get down! [rugby tackles amos]
jj: [stirs in his sleep, mimes bouncing around]
dave: [panting] [under his breath] they can be... very dangerous... if roused from sleep too early
dr moose: [glows menacingly]
narrator: never wake a sleeping kittin, eh? that's what my old gran used to tell me
dave: and what a wise woman she was, too
amos: very wise
narrator: what are you saying about my gran?
amos: [stammering] nothing, nothing... she was... just... very wise
narrator: that's what i thought
dave: i think we had better go, jeremy-jeremy will want a strong coffee when he awakes, and i think dr moose will have a piece of pie
narrator: and so our heroes left the other heroes, who were asleep, and went to go about everyday domestic tasks in a most thrilling manner. thanks for listening


Sunday, 23 March 2008

kittin 13

narrator: today is a good day in the world of kittinz
dave: [to camera] dr moose was very excited by the spinny man in the last episode, and we're going out on the streets to see if we can find some more
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: jeremy-jeremy hopalong, on the other hand, was not impressed
jj: *looks unimpressed*
amos: chin up, james
jj: i'm not sad, so to speak, just not particularly impressed. you know... i'm kind of impartial, to tell the truth
narrator: and so our friends went on their way
amos: we're off to see the spinner, the wonderful spinner of oz
dave: very nice, amos
dr moose: *meow*
[they suddenly encounter a LARGE MAN]
dave: look! a very large man!
narrator: woah! where did he come from
LARGE MAN: i think that's a very personal question and i am offended by your rudeness
dave: [to camera] i've heard about these types before. they're rare, and hard to find, and often touchy
jj: can we just leave the large man be? i've had a strange enough day as it is
LARGE MAN: i hope you learn some manners next time
narrator: and off they trotted. apart from the kittinz, who sort of bounced along
amos: bouncey bounce
jj: [to camera] he loves it
camera: stop talking to me, you weirdos
[they walk around for a bit]
dr moose: *meow*
amos: not many spinny types around here...
jj: let's go home
narrator: so, they didn't find any spinny people today. but they did encounter a LARGE MAN, and also jj found a penny on the floor but i didn't tell you about that bit. all in all, a good day for kittinz
dave: hooray!
dr moose: [to camera] *meow*


Thursday, 20 March 2008

kittin 12


narrator: now we shall reveal that which was witheld in the previous episode, if you can remember that far back, you bunch of slackers
jj: oh my!
dave: i... i...
amos: it's...
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: our heroes were staring in awe at a little spinning man, who spun around a lot until he was quite dizzy
dave: what business have you here, little spinny man?
spinny man: nothing much, nothing much
dave: you seem to have just repeated yourself
spinny man: yes, yes. a bit of repeating, yes, and a bit of spinning. nothing much
amos: oh, little man! how sweet he is. can we keep him, dave?
dave: no, i'm afraid that's strictly illegal
spinny man: i must leave now, and spin elsewhere
dave: very well. begone! but we shall not forget this encounter
spinny man: and neither shall i, nay, never
dave: so be it
narrator: and so it be. and our heroes continued in their quest for a foxglove for dave's broken gnome
hendrix: foxy! lookout! i'm comin' ta get ya...
all: [groove]
dave: look! a patch of foxgloves, just as we were instructed
narrator: that one on the left looks nice
jj: so it does
dr moose: *meow*
amos: try it on! put it on the gnome!
narrator: and dave put the glove on the gnome, and it was a perfect fit
dave: it was meant to be! he is the chosen one! and he is no longer a gome
jj: doc, we are heroes
amos: you didn't really help at all, jj. you just talked a lot and told me to go away
jj: amos?
amos: yes?
jj: go away


Wednesday, 19 March 2008

kittin 11

dave: i'm having a little trouble with my gnome
jj: what appears to be the problem? maybe i can help
dave: it keeps on wanting to be a gome
jj: ah. one of those
amos: i used to fix gnomes when i were a lad. give it here
dave: no!
amos: gimme! [grabs gnome] [shakes gnome] nope, it's broken beyond repair
dave: is that so?
amos: for certain
dave: well maybe jeremy-jeremy here can fix it
jj: with a little help from the doc, i most certainly will
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so our friends went on a great adventure, to Fix The Gnome
[pause in narrative]
[narrative resumes]
jj: what do you know about gnome-fixing, dr moose?
dr moose: *meow*
jj: [examines gnome] why, how right you are. he appears to be missing a foxglove for his left hand
dr moose: *meow*
jj: and where would one find such a thing?
narrator: i saw a nice patch of foxgloves out in the woods by the old woman's cottage
jj: really? that's a good spot for a picnic
narrator: or a pleasant game of boules
amos: or a giant crab
jj: go away, amos
narrator: and so our friends went to the woods by the old woman's cottage, where it's a nice place for a picnic or a pleasant game of boules
amos: or a giant crab
jj: go away, amos
dave: doesn't it feel like we've been here before?
narrator: BUT in the midst of their joy they encountered something highly unusual, which, in the interests of suspense, will not be revealed unto ye until...
NEXT TIME! be continued...

Sunday, 16 March 2008

kittin 10

amos: bouncey-bounce, bounce along, there's a good kitten
jj: [gives him a confused look]
dr moose: *meow*
[they hop around for a bit]
jj: you know, this rather reminds me of lord of the rings
narrator: just then, dave came in the door
dave: uh... i'll just... come in through the door then, shall i? [enters through door]
amos: what a nice door
jj: i never noticed the tones on it before, it really compliments the room
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: our heroes spent the next few lines talking about the door
jj: what a bunch of wasters
narrator: that's what i thought! so i removed the lines, and i'm replacing them instead with a little song i wrote:

if you walk west for three miles
there is a supermarket where you can
only buy your grandmother a small spatula,
life is cruel

dave: that sounds like something my mother used to sing to me before i went to bed
heavenly voice: [from an old episode] i am your mother!
dave: [shouts] we've been through this!
[uncomfortable silence as achieved by unfunny use of shouting]
jj: i sort of preferred it when we were talking about the door
narrator: you can have your cake, and eat it too, because today, we're having...
all: [sing:] door spe-cial, door spe-cial, i want to be in the door spe-cial, let's get hinge-ing with it
[pause in which the music fades]
amos: it's so beautiful i could cry
[pause, featuring much sniffling and banging of paws on tin]
dr moose: *meow* [bangs his paws on his tin]
dave: that one, that one and that one. hey, nice rhyme
announcer: thank you, that will do nicely
dave: that's it?
announcer: um... yep. BYE


Friday, 14 March 2008

kittin 9


wind: [more swooshing]
jj: looks like a sticky situation, doc
dr moose: *meow*
jj: it could only be worse if we were stapled to a cow
dr moose: *meow*
jj: or maybe in RUSSIA
dr moose: [looks unimpressed]
jj: i'm sorry, i get kinda panicky. truth is, i'm not too good with heights
heavenly voice: be not afraid!
jj: woah there, i didn't say "afraid," i said "panicky"
heavenly voice: would you like me to offer you some advice?
jj: go for it
heavenly voice: i like to stroke my legs when i am nervous
narrator: meanwhile, far below
dave: look amos, dr moose and jj are stuck on a kiteboard in the sky
amos: i was here when it happened, dave
dave: i know, i was just trying to put in a recap for new readers
narrator: but... but that's my job
dave: it's a boring job, i don't want it
narrator: [quietly, to self] but it's all i have!
dave: how are we going to rescue those mischievous kittinz, amos?
amos: i think there's only one man for the job
amos + dave: Kite-Surfer Dude Gnarly Rescue Man!
amos: yeah!
dave: [aside] not another crazy shouting person...
amos: our kittin friends are trapped in the sky
dr moose: [from way above] *meow*
KSDGRM: hmm... just let me put on my MAGIC PANTS
[he puts on his magic pants]
KSDGRM: alright!
[the kite floats gently down to earth]
dave: wow! you saved them
jj: actually, i just sort of landed the kite
dave: Kite-Surfer Dude Gnarly Rescue Man, you're my hero
jj: uh... dave...
KSDGRM: i do what i can [runs off to avert another crisis]
dave: [sighs] if only i had magic pants
jj: dave, i landed the kite myself
dave: is that so?
dr moose: *meow*
jj: with a little help from the doc here and there
dave: really
jj: it's true
dave: so this whole adventure was a complete anticlimax
jj: looks that way, yeah
dave: i suppose we'd better stop talking before it gets any worse
[story ends on abrubt, awkward note]


Thursday, 13 March 2008

kittin 8

amos: [clutches hat] by prince harry's tiny beard, it's windy up here
narrator: you mind your language, my boy, or i'll fill your shoes with pennies
amos: you would never do such a thing!
dave: [hissed whisper] it is not customary to argue with the narrator
amos: well i don't think he's a very nice man
jj: hey fellas, me and the doc were thinking about doing some kite surfing. are you kids down with this kite-surfing jazz?
amos: i had a kite once
jj: that's profound, amos [aside, to dave] can we leave him behind?
narrator: that sounds like a very good plan indeed! and so, our friends (but not amos) went to a high place with a kite and a surfboard, to see what they could see
amos: wow! what a view
dave: [loudly, anxious] IT IS NOT CUSTOMARY to defy the narrator!
amos: he defied me first!
heavenly voice: here ye, here ye
all: [hear ye]
heavenly voice: i have a song for y'all
all: [listen intently]
heavenly voice: [delicately] let's go fly a kite, up to the stalagtite
amos: nonono, you've got it wrong
dave: amos, are you trying to get us all killed?
amos: whatever do you mean?
dave: you keep arguing with omniscient, omnipresent deities!
jj: [finishes tying kite to surfboard] [low voice] on you get, doc
dr moose: *meow* [begins surfin' the air-waves like a pro]
narrator: it's a KITTEN IN A TIN ON A SURFBOARD IN THE SKY, ohmagawd
dr moose: *meow*
amos: he's flying
dave: he's drifting away!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: oh, buttersticks [leaps into air and grabs hold of kite]
[a gust of wind blows them higher]
dave: jeremy-jeremy! dr moose! no!
wind: [swoosh]

TO BE continued...

Monday, 10 March 2008

kittin 7

dave: ...i hereby name ye, dr moose "smithwigglesworth" the third
amos: [applauds]
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: and so it was that dr moose got his new nickname
jj: not so fast! [builds a wall]
dave: but whatever are you doing?
jj: [from behind wall] dr moose and i are hiding out here until you change his nickname
dave: but why ever would you do such a thing?
dr moose: [from behind wall] *meow*
jj: he says that "smithwigglesworth" is a girl's name
dave: but i spent hours choosing it! hours and hours!
dr moose: *meow*
jj: he wants to be known as "the doc." or just "doc"
dave: now, don't be silly. come out from behind there, smithwigglesworth, and don't let jeremy-jeremy tell you what to do
dr moose: *meow*
dave: if you don't come out i'll have to climb over...
jj: you're looking very handsom today, dave
dave: why, thank you!
jj: a handsom boy like you should be inside doing the dishes, not out here talking to us uncool cats
dave: very good poi... hang on a second! you can't flatter me
jj: face it, dave, we're staying put
dave: very well, we shall have a standoff! [sits down]
jj: we win! hooray, doc, we've done it!
dr moose: *victory meow*
dave: [realises his error] oh, panties on a stick!
amos: how did you know he was sitting down?
jj: through clever manipulation of vision, using mirrors and string
amos: i thought as much
dave: i humbly admit defeat. "doc" it is, and let no man say otherwise


Friday, 7 March 2008

kittin 6


[they arrive in a mountainous lair]
jj: why, this is exactly the kind of lair a crazed kittin-stealing villain would live
[pan to whole shelves full of kittens in tins]
dave: look at all those poor, imprisoned kittinz
[the kittinz gaze innocently out at the world]
jj: come on, dave! this is no time for getting all soppy
dave: but... but we should free them!
jj: there's no time! anyway, it's not like they're tied up. they're just sort of sitting there
amos: [nudging a kittin] be free, little one
[kittin bounds off]
[the others follow, and the room is full of the sound of echoing tin]
announcer: [from afar] nooo! they are releasing my prized kittin collection! noooooo!
dave: give us back dr moose!
amos: or else!
announcer: [appearing mysteriously from the shadows] but who is "dr moose?" all i have here is my little friend jacobean
jj: no, that's dr moose. look, it says so on his collar
announcer: oh yes, so it does
dave: can we have him back please?
announcer: certainly. entirely my mistake
dave: that's alright
jj: alright?! he ran off with dr moose!
dave: well, no harm done
dr moose: *meow*
dave: although, an apology would be nice
announcer: i'm sorry, dave
dave: and to dr moose
announcer: i'm sorry, dr moose
dave: you may kiss my ring
announcer: [kisses dave's ring]
amos: i never knew you had a ring!
dave: well i do. and i have just one thing left to say, and that's...
amos: adieu?
dave: no, it's...
jj: so long, and thanks for all the fish?
dave: no!, it's...
dr moose: *meow*
dave: oh shut up, furball


Thursday, 6 March 2008

kittin 5

dave: i've been thinking, we need a nickname for this little fella
amos: [to audience] he means his willy
dave: no! [embarrassed] i'm talking about dr moose here, our newest kittin
announcer: IT'S A KITTEN IN A TIN! BUY YOURS TODAY OR RISK CATCHING A HERNIA. OR CERTAIN DEATH. OR BOTH. kitten in a tin, kitten in a tin, kitty kitty kitty...
jj: [produces wallet] i'll give you twenty bucks if you leave without saying another word
announcer: [vanishes into the night]
jj: i have to admit, that was kinda sexy
announcer: you really think so?
jj: didn't you just leave?
announcer: i did, but i forgot my KITTEN IN A TIN! IT'S A KITTEN IN A TIN! KITTY-KIT-KIT!
amos: why can't you say that normally?
announcer: [shrugs] i just like shouting [picks up dr moose] well, i'll be seeing ya... [vanishes once more into the night]
dave: hey! he took dr moose!
jj: pursue! [off they run, chasing the announcer who has stolen dr moose] be continued...

Monday, 3 March 2008

kittin 4

narrator: our heroes were in the hospital, helping dave recover from his damaged hernia
jj: i'm sorry for poking your hernia, dave
dave: it's ok
jj: it just seemed like the right thing to do
dave: i get it
jj: like that time i hit you with the rake. it just felt right
dave: I GET IT, jeremy
narrator: needless to say, tensions were running high, and if it hadn't been for little dr moose, there would probably have been several curse words in use. as it happens, the others were careful to censor their language
amos: **&£%
dave: what have you got to complain about?
amos: i just like cussing like a sailor
dr moose: *meow*
narrator: just as well dave had two kittens in a tin to cheer him up, otherwise maybe he would never have gotten better
dave: yeah i would
narrator: everyone needs a kitten in a tin, dave. even ghandi
dave: ghandi's dead
narrator: he wouldn't be if he'd carried a kitten in a tin with him, AT ALL TIMES
jj: say, he sounds suspiciously like that announcer guy
narrator: [looks flustered] why, whatever do you mean?
jj: it was mostly the speaking in capitals thing
narrator: i would never!
jj: [scrolls back up the page]
narrator: well, it must've just slIPPPED OUUTTT i mean, slipped out, ahem [fake coughs several times]
dave: oh dear, i hope he hasn't caught my hernia
narrator: i can't
dave: why's that?
narrator: because i carry with me my very own KITTEN IN A TIN! KITTEN IN A TIN! IT'S A KITTEN IN A TINNY-TIN-TIN!
jj: aaaaargh! [starts to melt under the noise]
dave: zeebbbbraaaaarrrrghhhh
amos: please stop
narrator: alright
jj: [unmelts] well, that was easy
dave: narrator, i don't see your kittin, where is he today?
narrator: ah yes, i must have left him at home
jj: but it doesn't matter, because you couldn't catch a hernia if it hit you in the face. right on!
dr moose: [hi fives jj]
[the kittinz do a peculiar victory dance which really bears no relevance to the situation, but which is also quite tricky to do in a tin, so congratulations to them]


Friday, 29 February 2008

kittin 3

dave: oh, i've gone and angered jeremy-jeremy hopalong. if only mother were here!
[there is thunder in the sky and a voice from the heavens booms]
heavenly voice: go and apologise, and stop being so pathetic
dave: i'm not pathetic!
heavenly voice: yes you are, you're a complete pushover. and you wet your pants at night
dave: meeeeeaaaaaah
amos: pull yourself together dave, we're talking to god here
heavenly voice: i'm not god, i'm your mother
amos: but my mother doesn't sound like a man
heavenly voice: not *your* mother, his mother! [falsetto] anyway, i don't sound like a man
dave: you're not my mother
heavenly voice: alright! i'm just a heavenly voice in the sky! just trying to be helpful, you know...
dm: *meow*
jj: [from upstairs] somebody shut that bloody cat up
dave: listen jeremy, i'm sorry
[no answer]
dave: i should've asked you first
[no answer]
dave: i hope you'll still be able to be friends with dr moose
[no answer]
dave: if you come down here and talk to him i'll let you podge my belly
[jj appears from the door]
jj: alright. but remember who's the *original* kittin around here
dave: oh, jeremy!
amos: [holds back the tears, bless his little heart]
jj: [podges dave's belly] podge! podge podge podge! oh, i haven't had this much fun in years
dm: *meow*
jj: [smiles affectionately] you can podge his belly too, little fella. here [podges dave with dr moose's paw]
dm: *meow* [grins happily]
amos: looks like you've done alright there dave
jj: PODGE!
dave: ow! my hernia!


kittin 2

amos: here, kitty kitty kitty
dave: careful now amos
jj: who does this guy think he is?
dave: be nice, jeremy-jeremy! amos is my only friend
jj: and i'm your only kitten in a tin, big deal
dave: erm...
amos: you mean you haven't told him?
dave: ...about that...
jj: i don't like where this is going, dave
announcer: [fanfare] INTRODUCING: KITTEN IN A TIN! kitten in a tin, kitten in a tin, dave has gone and bought another kitten in a tin. with BIG EYES
dave: where did he spring from?
jj: what an oaf
[enter dr moose]
dm: *meow*
jj: you didn't!
dave: believe me jeremy, i had no choice
announcer: once again we'd like to congratulate the esteemed DAVE (that's right, you, sir) for winning a KIT-TIN - a KITTEN IN A TIN!
amos: you should probably leave, he's having a hard enough time already
announcer: but i like it here
amos: out! [slams door]
announcer: [faintly] i love youuu
[awkward silence]
dave: you know, they really shouldn't joke about things like that
jj: yeah, it's not funny and it makes me uncomfortable...
dave: i heard it offends the gay community
[another awkward silence]
[change of subject]
jj: another kittin?! seriously dave, i mean, didn't the last two months mean anything to you
dave: listen jeremy, it's not that i don't care about you, it's just that... well... i thought you might want a friend to call your own. a little amos of your spieces. to put it plainly, another kitten in a tin
jj: [sulkily] well you know what? [pause] he ain't no friend of mine [storms out]
dm: *meow*


kittin 1

announcer: kit-tinz, buy one today, it's a kitten in a tin, does exactly what it says on the tin, you sir, thank you sir, are you feeeeeeling lucky sir? look out! you've just won a kitten in a tin! kitten in a tin! it's a kitten in a tin! tastes great with tomato sauce...
dave: but i already have a kitten in a tin
announcer: you do?
dave: yes. his name is jeremy-jeremy hopalong, and i bought him for thruppence when such currency was still around
announcer: i believe that was sometime in the late 1700s
dave: so be it
announcer: well... your kitten in a tin could sure use a friend, another kitten in the tin, why not take this white kitten right here with BIG EYES
dave: but
announcer: now then mister, don't go all shy on me
dave: i
announcer: you'll never get anywhere with one-word sentences
dave: help me, mother
[there is thunder in the sky and a voice from the heavens rings out]
heavenly voice: i have my hand stuck in a fridge
announcer: why not try kitten in a tin? perfect for all your hand-stuck-in-a-fridge needs...
dave: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL TAKE IT [looks away dramatically]
announcer: no need to shout, you'll terrify the poor kitten-in-a-tin
announcer: oh
dave: that's better
announcer: well, i never knew it was like *that* [walks away in a huff]
kitten in a tin: *meow*
dave: aw, what a cute little kittin we have here. i shall call you dr moose, for you remind me somewhat of our old vet, why, he had whiskers just like you, the moon would glimmer off them on many a clear night... [drifts off into rambling story]
dr moose: *meow*